Friday, November 13, 2009

Is this the point when things change?

I never thought that on the eve of our prayers being answered I would feel so apprehensive.  I thought it would be all balloons, confetti, musicians and champagne.  But, I keep waking up with my jaw all tight and clenched, which means I am grinding my teeth at night.  Perhaps it is because life has kicked my little family so much that when ever we turn a corner I have come to expect someone to dance the funky chicken on my spleen. 

It is hard for me to accept our good fortune.  Because the last two years have basically been misfortune, with small sprinklings of good.  Just enough for me to maintain my hope.  Usually in my darkest hours something happened to restore my faith.  I have spent so much time licking wounds, trying to figure out what to do, how to keep on keeping on, that it is hard for me to roll with what is currently going on.

I am not trying to be cryptic, I guess I just don't want to talk about it until it is all hammered down.  I guess I really believe all of this is some trick, and as soon as I relax, the universe river dancers will be on my spleen like flies on poop.  Even once it is all hammered down, I think it will be hard for me to believe that it will be ok.  I have such a horrible feeling of foreboding.  I feel like perhaps this is just another lie.

Have I really become such a cynic?  It is sad that this is the point that I am at.  But, it would seem a larger proportion of people have not lived up to their end of the contract with our family than actually have.  That is the state of nature for us.  It makes me wonder if I am just worried because that is what I do, or if we are really heading off into the abyss of another bad decision. My intuition is generally accurate.

Sure, I should roll with it, stuff happens to all sorts of people.  Sure what happened to us wasn't so bad.  Well, for us it was.  This is not to minimize what others have gone through, and I know there are much worse stories.  This last year in particular, has been hard, and while some folks have really supported us, and I try very hard to focus on them, others have been very mean.  It was a meanness that I was really not accustomed too.  People you would expect and some that you would not, have been down right mean and nasty.  To them, ppppllllllbbbb. 

It is scary to head towards the light, because given our luck it will be a train.

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