Saturday, April 5, 2014

Just an update

It's been a long time.

I have been spring cleaning my life.  I wasn't really sure why I was letting things go, but I needed to make room for something new.

I let a lot of relationships go, they for what ever reason were not what I needed at the time.  Some were toxic, some were one sided, some were just not a good fit.

Nature abhors a void.  Yet, this void gave me time to reflect and to determine what I needed to do next.

Of course, something happened.  I will put a link at the bottom so you can go read about it.  I don't own that article anymore, so I can't republish it here.  I like to do things backwards, so finish up what I have to say here and then go read that.  It will all make sense in the end.

See, what happened was horrible,  or was it?  I spent a lot of time considering, why the hell do I care so much?  Why is this so important to me?  What am I afraid of?

Ultimately, the decision was that it was time.  It was time to confront that fear of letting go of my past.  Because really the only way to be free enough to experience the future is to let go of the past.  I have been living a lie for probably 15 years.  I have told myself I wasn't something I was, because I was afraid that if I admitted this my family would leave me.  No, I am not getting divorced, I am just jewish.

Sure I think that the way that this whole thing came about is totally not cool.  I would have preferred a much softer push.  Yet, I am totally willing to admit that I don't really listen to soft pushes.  I probably needed to be smashed over the head with a metaphorical two by four.

I was afraid if I lived fully with the family that I have created the family that I chose, the family that I started with would abandon me.  So I stayed in their camp.  Yet, when I told them, they said, "Oh, we thought you already had converted."  Really?  All this time I was afraid of nothing.

At the end of the day, this seems like the right thing to do.  Something inside my family has shifted and it is good.

The link, as promised:  The Story