Monday, May 14, 2012

Sports Cars

I'm starting to understand why middle-aged men get sports cars and have affairs with much younger women.  I always thought it had to do with them waking up and wondering if this is all there is to life, but really, I think it has more to do with them feeling trapped.

You wake up on day and realize that you are trapped in a job you don't like, have kids that are obnoxious and a situation that is just not pleasant anymore.  The thing is that changing that seems really impossible.  Sometimes this is triggered by a series of traumatic events and sometimes the reality just sort of dawns on you.  You are trapped.  That is when the walls start closing in and you start to long for a different something.  Anything to remind you that you are still you.

With everything that has been going on I have been feeling trapped.  I wasn't really even able to identify the feeling initially.  I just wanted to be the me that I was before I had kids.  I wanted to escape my reality.  As I started to tell people about what I wanted to do, the resounding feed back was that I was longing for freedom.  To escape all the chaos that was swirling around me.

The funny thing was that mid-winter, I was feeling pretty good about things.  I was surprised that I had made it this far without the usual winter blues.  I was feeling secure.  The universe hates it when I am feel secure.  And in typical form, the universe smacked me right on down.  I lost myself in the chaos.

I want a new car, a new family, a new life.  I want to escape everything and run down the street naked screaming.  I want to do something outside of my normal way of being.  As I try and contain the feeling of wanting to rip out of the chains that bind me, I can see how a middle aged man could have an affair with a 20 something.  I can see how that might have little to nothing to do with his feelings about his spouse and a lot more to do with feeling trapped.

Don't get me wrong, if my spouse had an affair with a 20 something I would be mighty pissed off.  I would probably leave his sorry ass on the curb and move the heck onward.  I am not excusing the behavior, but I can see how you could end up there.  I can see how that same man might buy a sports car instead of having an affair, because the consequences of that decision are much less.

The long and the short of it is, I am trapped in a situation that I don't like, that I can not change and I want a sports car that I can't have.  As I try and attempt to focus on what I can have, I am pricing BMW Z4s and trying to figure out how to get 5 people in there.   As I try and realize that like the weather this situation will change, I long for a ride that does not scream middle aged soccer mom.

Things will change.  The place I am stuck in is just a place I am passing through.  It may take me a while to get out of here, but it is important for me to remember, it will not be forever.  Right now I am learning a lesson about letting go, acceptance and patience.  I hate those stupid lessons about patience.

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