Wednesday, May 16, 2012


It was not to long ago I wrote a piece about how I already had my dream job.  Being home with my kids was, according to that post, on the worst day better than the best day working.  I am starting to question that.  I think that perhaps the worst day with the kids is probably better than the worst day working, but it certainly isn't better than the best day working.

I have also written about doing the best you can and letting go of the outcome.  If you don't remember that, the premise is that the football team that looses the Superbowl did not do anything wrong.  They trained as hard as they could, they won all the games necessary to make it to the Superbowl, they wanted it just as bad as the other team, but sometimes things just don't go the way you want them too.  You cannot beat yourself up for the loss, because well you did your best.  It sounds like the platitudes our parents told us when we were young, but it is true.

So, here I am in a situation that I cannot control.  No matter how hard I have tried, I cannot control it.  I have pulled out of my bag of tricks, all the things I know and still nothing works.  The situation isn't out of control really, it is just out of MY control.  Sadly, my role in this little drama isn't pleasant.

I want to get in my car and dive away, pack up my things and watch the shadows fade.  And as the song goes, this is the part of me that you will never ever take away from me.  But, what is that part of me?  What is the part of me that no one can ever take away?  I really don't know.  At this point, so much of me has been lost, I don't know what part they will never get.

Is it my pride?  I don't think so, I am using the tactic of grovelling right now.  Besides, I have three kids, pride left the building a long time ago.  Is it my spirit?  I feel my spirit is sort broken, but as I say that, I think, well, maybe it is my spirit.  I think through everything, the one thing that has always been there has been my sense of humor.  So, I guess that is the part of me that they will never ever take away from me.

The "responsibility" phase of my life isn't so much fun right now.  I guess it is time to figure out a way to get my fun on, and let go of the outcome.

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