Green as the grass on the other side

This is the next installment in our Thursday blog project.  The topic is jealousy.

Jealousy is not a very attractive quality.  But I think that is is something that we all struggle with from time to time.  I have been battling a bit of jealousy lately, and that is why I suggested the topic.

I have a lot of friends at the gym.  They are gym friends, not people I hang out with, friend on Facebook, or anything like that.  We chat in the minutes before class and at the end of class.  We help each other out when one of us is late, and we encourage each other to keep going.  I know a lot about my gym buddies, I know about their husbands, their kids, their in-laws, etc.  I know a lot my gym buddies lives, and in some cases, I do not know their names.

There is one gym buddy in particular that has lost a lot of weight in the past year.  I have lost track, but some where in the vacinity of 75 lbs.  I was talking with her the other day and she confided in me that she did it by taking pills.  That the pills made her less hungry and helped her have a ton more energy.  These were pills that were not prescribed for her.

I have really stuggled with this, because part of me is so jealous of how fabulous she looks.  I want to look like that.  I want to be thin and fabulous too.  It is in total contridiction with where I thought I was with how I looked.  I decided about 3 or 4 years ago to be healthy and not worry about how much I weigh.  The number on the scale is just that and as long as I am healthy, it is mostly meaningless.  I embraced my Fat Chick status and was ok with it.

To suddenly be googling how to get my hands on these pills makes me wonder how comfortable I really was.  The other day I was confronted with a very easy way to get the pills.  I could have taken them, I would have had a steady supply, and no one would have been the wiser.  Only I would have lost weight and looked great.  I didn't even think about this when it happened, I immediately said NO. 

I know that I don't want to loose weight the "easy" way, but maybe I do.  I think this conflict is going to be running around in my head for a while.  I know that at any time I can change my mind and get them.

Right now, I can run 3 miles, and mostly not die.  I can lift a pretty significant amount of weight.  I surprise even the trainers some times.  I can move my body in ways that even some of the skinny chicks can't.  My vitals are all good.  I am healthy.  I worry that if I take the pills the "I am healthy" part of my statement will change.  Am I dying to be thin?

For today, I am going to stay the course.  I might even wear a Fat Chick Power shirt when I run a race in a couple of weeks.  I hope that will not let my jealousy of what this one person did change my mind about my quest to be healthy.

Want to see what the other ladies are jealous about? Check them out at Froggie, Momarock, Merrylandgirl.

Yarn Soda

Today's topic is:  What is your biggest vice/addiction? 

I have two addictions.  One is Cherry Coke Zero and the other is yarn. 

I love Cherry Coke Zero, but I am not really picky about what type of diet caffineated soda I have, but I love the Cherry Coke Zero.  I need a pick me up every day.  There are days when I am so happy to pop open that can, inhale the smell of the carbonation.  To drink down the icy, caffinated goodness.  To feel my body start to pick up again.  My afternoon soda is the only way I can make it till bed time. 

When I was pregnant, I was told to avoid caffine, I limited myself to one can a day.  My soda makes me happy.  I know it isn't good for me, but it improves my mood and makes me happy, and that is good for me.

The other thing that I am addicted to is yarn.  It sounds odd, but I love the smell of yarn, I love the colors, the way it feels.  I will probably never knit all the yarn I have, but some of it I bought only because it was pretty and not because it would ever be used.  I have a wonderful collection of yarn. 

My kids know I am having a bad day when I go visit the yarn.  I like to pet it, inhale the smell of the dye and fiber, to drink in the color.  Each hank has a story.  The memory of when I bought it.  I love each and everyone.

I know my addictions are unusual, but that is how I roll.  Want to see what everyone else is addicted to?  Bet it isn't soda and yarn!  Check them out at Froggie, Momarock, Merrylandgirl

Baby, it hurts so bad

The next installment in our Thursday blog project is to write about pain, specifically the worst physical pain we have ever experienced.

I would have to say that the worst pain I have ever experienced was the pain I was in after I delivered Hannah.  It was a full year before I was mostly pain free and the issues from that birth still haunt me today.

Hannah's pregnancy was totally and completely uneventful.  But as soon as I had her all the pain started.  The list of ailments I had was long, but the most painful was the adhesions.  After a surgery, your body can develop adhesions, which is scar tissue that can connect parts of your body that shouldn't be connected.  I can not tell you what was connected that shouldn't have been, but I do know that the pain associated with sitting up was excruciating.

My options were to have another surgery and have the adhesions removed, which could cause me to have more adhesions, or to just try and rip them so that they stop bugging me.  I opted to rip them apart.  The main source of my pain was in my lower abdomen.  About where your fingers would be if you put your hands on your hips.

It hurt to get out of bed.  It hurt if I stood too much.  It hurt if I turned in the wrong direction.  It hurt to pick up the baby out of the crib.  Sometimes it hurt so much it would make me nauseated.  I had no choice but to live with this pain.  The pain that felt like someone was stabbing me with a hot poker. 

Every single day, many times during the day, I was stabbed with a hot poker in my gut.  Not only was I sleep deprived and overwhelmed by the addition of a third baby, I was in extreme pain.  The only thing that helped the pain were pain meds that were addictive, so I didn't use them often.  I learned to just muscle through everyday.

The pain was not consistent, it was blessedly, intermittent.  When it would come it would take your breathe away.  But if I sat down and rested a bit it would usually subside in a half hour or so.  Eventually the pain became my governor.  It told me when I was over doing it and when I needed to sit down and take a break.

I still feel this pain today.  It is very infrequent, but there are days when I move in just that way that I will feel that sharp reminder of Hannah's first year.  A reminder of all the pain.

Wanna see what everyone else has to say?  Check them out at Momarock, Merrylandgirl and Froggie.

Talkin' about sex...

This is the next entry in the Thursday blog project.  We are talking about sex baby.  Specifically the topic is sexuality, and we get to talk about what ever you want.

Just the other day, while driving home from some activity or another, Mac asked me if he could watch me and his father have sex.  It stems from an on-going family joke where Hannah wants to watch us make her a baby sister. 

She has been asking for a baby sister for about a year.  Finally to get her to shut up about it Bob and I agreed to try and make her a baby sister.  Since Bob has had the procedure of eternal happiness, success on the baby sister front is unlikely.  After about two months of no results, Hannah suggests that she should watch us try and make a baby sister so that she can 1) confirm that we are really trying and 2) that we are doing it right.  I assure her that the answers are yes we are trying and yes we are doing it right.

But anyway, Mac said he would like to also watch.  Now clearly this is not appropriate for him to do, and is not going to happen, it does raise an interesting question.  Until now, we have taught our kids most of the life skills that they need.  We teach them about how to use the potty, how to care for their bodies, how to interact with other people, etc.  But we do not embrace teaching our children about sexuality the way that we do using the toilet, shaving or using deodorant.

While I don't plan to let Mac watch his father and I have sex, it does make me think that as a society we don't teach our kids enough about this import part of their lives.  We leave it to the kids to figure out on their own and in many cases they figure it out wrong.  It seems wrong to me that we spend more time teaching our kids how to use the toilet than we do teaching them about sexuality. 

Our puritanical roots make us uncomfortable discussing sex with our kids.  I want my children to understand that sex is something the are all going to experience at some point in their lives.  I want them to feel comfortable in their own sexuality and be able to ask questions.   The reality is that we are all sexual beings, and I want my children to embrace this aspect of themselves in a way that is healthy.  How is that going to happen if I don't teach them?

Want to see what everyone else has to say about sex??  I am sure you do..  Check them out at Froggie, Merrylandgirl and Momarock.

I knit too...

The next installment of our Thursday blog project is to comment on the following article:  Tough Gals: do they still exist?  You can take a peak at it and then use the back button on your browser to come back and see what I have to say about it.  I'll wait.

::insert muscial interlude::

Ok, so did you read that?  (if you didn't I am about to summarize)  The basic premise is that in the 70's women fought hard so that women of today could have it all.  They fought for equal rights at work, sexual rights, the right for women to do what they want, just like the men.  Yet, here we are today, going back to traditional female roles.  Have we let our fore-mothers down?  Are we just not as tough as we were then?

I think having it all is sort of an unrealistic objective.  I think that there was a period of time where women worked, had families and basically burnt the candle at both ends and in the middle.  What you learn when you do that is that the candle burns up pretty quickly and then you don't have anything left.  Essentially, if you try and do everything, have everything, you end up with nothing.

There are not enough hours in the day to do everything.  We are so over-scheduled, over programed and as a result stressed out.  I talked about this in a post a couple of weeks ago, about why I left a hard won senior level corporate job to be a mommy.  I guess you could say I let my fore-mothers down.  Oh, and I knit. 

But did I?  I still am the one that deals with the cars when they break.  I can go on about Honda transmissions at an depth that is sort of frightening even to me.  I am the on that talks to the plumber, intelligently I might add, about the issues with the house.  My husband, is not as knowledgable about these things.  The tradesmen/women I deal with don't generally have an issue with dealing with me and not my husband.

I learned that having it all is an impossible dream.  It is like trying to grab the golden ring on the merry-go-round.  Round and round you go, but the objective is ever ellusive.  I decided that quality of life was more important.  That taking time to be with my family and raise my children was more important than having a high power job.  Other women have made other choices. 

Choices, that is what we were fight about.  I think that women of the 70's where not fighting so that women would be required to do everything, but rather to give them the options to do what ever they wanted and to have that be ok.    I appreciate that I have the option to have a high power job and a family.  I just choose not do that.

Even though I knit, make cupcakes and wear Hello Kitty jammies, I am not wimpy.  I am not weak, I am strong enough to recognize what my priorities are and to do what I think is important and fullfilling.  Even if it is girly.

Bet the other ladies are up to something tough too... wanna see if I am right?  Check them out at:  Froggie, Momarock and Merrylandgirl.