I am the fifth child out of six. I am the third girl, out of three. I am the only living sister. Both of my sisters have died very young. My brothers now tease me mercilessly about when I will die. Hopefully not soon, as I wish to taunt them as long a possible.
Yesterday, I turned 41. My middle sister died during her 40th year. My sister Leslie killed herself on Mother's Day. I am not sure if it was a conscious decision or if it was just a consequence of drinking herself into a stupor that night. I am sure that what ever pain she felt about her job as a parent drove her to drink that night.
My sister's life was sprinkled with periods of happiness the way that most peoples' lives are sprinkled with rough patches or periods of sadness. My sister spent her whole life trying to hide from what ever demons haunted her. She started to drink when she was a tween, and really, never stopped. It destroyed her marriage, her children and basically her life. Her ability to cope with the pain of life was definitely outstripped by the amount of pain she felt.
As I think about her life, I wonder, are some people just programed to be unhappy? Just like some of us are tall or short, fat or thin. Perhaps happy and sad are just part of our chemical make up. Perhaps we have less control over it than I would like to believe. Who would choose to be unhappy? Just as, who would choose to be fat, and I speak as someone in the know about this, it isn't so easy to change.
That said, Leslie, was the unhappy child in the family. That was her job. Just as mine it is to be the one who has life by the balls and makes it happen. Perhaps she had been unhappy for so long, the thought of actually being happy was overwhelmingly frightening to her. Perhaps she had viewed herself as depressed for so many years, she was comfortable there and didn't really want to change.
I don't know if happiness is something we choose or something that is. I choose to be happy. I choose to make the best of everything, in as much as I can. Is that because I am a happy person? Or is it because I try my hardest to let things go and move on to a happier place, to be as positive as possible? I don't know if we will ever really know the answer to that, but as I enter the next year in my life, I am going to choose to make it happier than last year, and by gosh, do not stand in my way!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
100
I have hit 100 squares in my blanket. It is a milestone I thought I would share with everyone! I am very excited. But, I also still have to do over 600 more. I am 13.5% complete. Yeah!!!
Some of the squares are yarn that the kids have dyed, that I have dyed and my 100th square was made with yarn I dyed from the stamen of the lilies Bob gave me for our anniversary. There is even a square dyed with blueberries.
It has been a fun project so far!
PS, I have now also done a big square. I was terrified of the mama-jamma 61 stitch square, but I have to say, there is a place for them. Photos coming soon!
Some of the squares are yarn that the kids have dyed, that I have dyed and my 100th square was made with yarn I dyed from the stamen of the lilies Bob gave me for our anniversary. There is even a square dyed with blueberries.
It has been a fun project so far!
PS, I have now also done a big square. I was terrified of the mama-jamma 61 stitch square, but I have to say, there is a place for them. Photos coming soon!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
In a Fog
I woke this morning to see a gray haze outside my window. It was hard to make out the house across the street. The very first thought that went through my mind, was FIRE, it was smoke. Then, the more rational, but less awake part of my mind says, "Yo, dumb ass, if it was fire and there was that much smoke, think it might smell?"
Good point, so it is fog. Fog in Illinois. When I went to get the paper, I expected to smell the salt in the air. Fog smells like ocean. It makes the electrical wires crackle, it means that what ever fire is burning where ever will slow dramatically. It means that planes won't take off from the airport. It means June. When it happens in September, it means that it won't be so hot today.
Yet, it hasn't been hot here. It doesn't smell like ocean, because that stupid lake is NOT an ocean, it is NOT even a reasonable ocean substitute. There are no electrical wires above ground to make that crackle sound. I doubt OHare will be impacted and it isn't June. This was some random unprecedented fog. I have lived here for a little over a year, and never seen fog.
All of this was making me very nostalgic for home. A friend of mine is going to the 'hood on vacation and has been asking me for advice about where to stay, what to do, where to eat, etc. I have been missing my hometown very much. I guess the fog was a little piece of home.
When I got in after getting the paper, Sam asked me what to do in an earthquake. Maybe I am living in some sort of parallel universe? Maybe this is now Chicago, California.
Good point, so it is fog. Fog in Illinois. When I went to get the paper, I expected to smell the salt in the air. Fog smells like ocean. It makes the electrical wires crackle, it means that what ever fire is burning where ever will slow dramatically. It means that planes won't take off from the airport. It means June. When it happens in September, it means that it won't be so hot today.
Yet, it hasn't been hot here. It doesn't smell like ocean, because that stupid lake is NOT an ocean, it is NOT even a reasonable ocean substitute. There are no electrical wires above ground to make that crackle sound. I doubt OHare will be impacted and it isn't June. This was some random unprecedented fog. I have lived here for a little over a year, and never seen fog.
All of this was making me very nostalgic for home. A friend of mine is going to the 'hood on vacation and has been asking me for advice about where to stay, what to do, where to eat, etc. I have been missing my hometown very much. I guess the fog was a little piece of home.
When I got in after getting the paper, Sam asked me what to do in an earthquake. Maybe I am living in some sort of parallel universe? Maybe this is now Chicago, California.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Stupid is the new black
Stupid is the new black. I love this. It was a Facebook status post from a new found friend of mine. I cracked up. This is due to the fact that the Wheaton School District banned President Obama's speech.
He is the President of the United States, he wants to talk to my kid, I am good with that. Heck, if G.W. wanted to talk to my kid I would be ok with that, and in my opinion he is the stupidest President in the history of the world.
I got a phone call yesterday, from Robert Rammer, the communications guy at CUSD 200. He says that we aren't showing it because we can pre-screen it and don't know if it is appropriate. If we think the message is appropriate, we will make copies available at a later date and we might show it to the kids if we feel like it. I heard the message when the kids were screaming at me. But, my politically active friend fired me up... I did something.
While I didn't get the response I wanted, I did get one. I will still be pulling my kids from school to see the speech, but this response seems more reasoned to me... granted they still aren't showing the speech.
I won't comment on the spelling of my name. I also will not comment on the fact that Bob's letter was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lang, that is another blog post for another day. It will be interesting to see if what happens.
The great thing is that, I can pull my kids from school and bring them home so that they can see the message. I might DVR it for them, but in a grand show of political dissent, I might pull them out of school too.
So for now I have a headache and am tired, I am not up to full fighting the man speed. I think I might need a nap.
He is the President of the United States, he wants to talk to my kid, I am good with that. Heck, if G.W. wanted to talk to my kid I would be ok with that, and in my opinion he is the stupidest President in the history of the world.
I got a phone call yesterday, from Robert Rammer, the communications guy at CUSD 200. He says that we aren't showing it because we can pre-screen it and don't know if it is appropriate. If we think the message is appropriate, we will make copies available at a later date and we might show it to the kids if we feel like it. I heard the message when the kids were screaming at me. But, my politically active friend fired me up... I did something.
While I didn't get the response I wanted, I did get one. I will still be pulling my kids from school to see the speech, but this response seems more reasoned to me... granted they still aren't showing the speech.
Ms. Parrett,On behalf of the Board of Education, thank you for your comments. Please know that the Board has received your email as well as this response.The District is not denying students the opportunity to hear the President's message. We will make it available at more convenient times when students can be engaged in a discussion about his message.Although we certainly support and appreciate the President's encouragement of students to do well in school, broadcasting a 20 minute program at 11:00 to all our schools, on a live web stream, is somewhat problematic from a logistical perspective. At the high schools and middle schools, for example, many of our students are eating lunch. These students would not be in a classroom setting where a discussion could take place. From a practical perspective, delaying the lunch schedule for an extended period would be disruptive at best. Some students will be in physical education classes or settings unsuitable for viewing. Streaming this message to all venues and computers at one time would most likely disrupt our technology.Providing schools with multiple copies of the presentation allows teachers to present the message in a thoughtful and instructive fashion.While we certainly appreciate your comments, it is our intent to provide the President's message in a more measured way.The review of the content is more a factor of grade level than substance. Preparing a group of kindergarten students for the President's message is quite different than preparing a group of high school seniors. Teachers deserve to see the message before they show it and conduct instructional discussion with children.Sincerely,Robert A. Rammer, Ph.D.
Director of Communications
School District 200
I won't comment on the spelling of my name. I also will not comment on the fact that Bob's letter was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lang, that is another blog post for another day. It will be interesting to see if what happens.
The great thing is that, I can pull my kids from school and bring them home so that they can see the message. I might DVR it for them, but in a grand show of political dissent, I might pull them out of school too.
So for now I have a headache and am tired, I am not up to full fighting the man speed. I think I might need a nap.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Random Thoughts
- Curriculum night was last night... I am not so sure about these teachers. Sam's teacher will probably be fine, I think she is the type of teacher you need to suck up to. She likes to have people she knows in the class and to talk to them about herself. Mac's teacher, he likes to hear himself talk. I worry that we will have trouble getting him to communicate with us at the level which we need. I will be damned if I had spent 1000's of dollars on therapy and energy on helping this kid get his shit together to have this teacher let him get off track. Should be an interesting year.
- I got to go shopping with Hannah yesterday. It was an absolutely perfect day. The weather was great, the company was great, we found some cute things that were cheap. I was wonderful. I wish I could bottle it so that we could replay this day in January. I am so happy to do girl things with Hannah, she is such good company. It is like a reward.
- Still, no ants. Perhaps the combination of Terminix and Terro worked! Either way, we love Adam, our Terminix guy. He is definately not a creepy bug guy like the one in Connecticut.
- Since I used the word Terminix, three times now, I wonder if Service Master will hit my blog again....
- Oh, some folks have asked, the other rabbit died. So they all lived 2 days. It was sad, but really, keeping the dog and the rabbits appart, that was never going to happen.
- Barcley's, the folks who put out the Black Card, did not hit my blog, and I linked back to their website. Interesting.
- Genvieve is coming today. Hannah can't decide what to wear, nothing is good enough.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
1 Year
1 year ago today, I went to a lawyers office and ended my brief period of homelessness. We signed our lives away on what we thought would be the perfect home for our family.
Now, the period of homelessness, was because we sold our home in Connecticut faster than we could find one in Illinois, so it sounds way more dramatic than it really was. But, living in a 1,000 square foot apartment with 3 kids, a husband and dog for a month, was not walk in the park. Yet, significantly better than actually homelessness. I survived by pretending it was a condo in Maui. I was still optimistic and this was going to be an adventure.
I guess it has been an adventure, but we have fixed or replaced: 1 leaky roof, 24 rotten windows, 1 door that leaked so much cold air it snowed in the house, 1 washer (it exploded), 1 dryer, 1 dishwasher, 1 refrigerator, 1 sump pump (which survived 17 inches of rain in 2 days, praise God.), 1 sump pump back-up battery, 3 toilets, every single outlet, switch, switch plate, wall register grate, entry lock, and door handle in the entire place. I am sure that I have left something out. We have battled more ants than is really necessary. I am now more handy than I ever expected. I have talked to my brother more than I would have imagined. We have painted, scrubbed, cleaned and otherwise made habitable our hugely expensive home. The thing is that when we bought this house, we didn't think it would be a fixer, it was supposed to be move in ready.
There are still things that don't work right or need to be replaced, but we are off life support and can manage these items as we have time and money. Nothing is earth shattering, but I live in fear that there is something I missed! I knew all the warts in our old house. I knew what needed to be done, what would probably go wrong.
This house was unloved, and uninhabited for 2 years. That takes a toll on a home. Even though it looked lovely on the outside, it was sad on the inside. The house didn't feel the love. I think the house feels the love now. I think the house realizes we are friends. Our trash compactor stopped working about 4 weeks after we arrived. I didn't care, we are planning to redo the kitchen anyway, so let it be a big trash can. One day about 6 months later, Hannah was playing with the buttons and it started working again. The house regenerated itself. At the moment, we knew that the house was on the team.
You might think we are crazy, a house is not an animate object, but they are in some fashion living things. They need to be loved. If you don't love them, they make you pay, and pay dearly. Our house is still without a name. It still really doesn't feel like home yet, but at least I don't feel like it hates us. Maybe next year we will be on a first name basis and it will feel like home.
Now, the period of homelessness, was because we sold our home in Connecticut faster than we could find one in Illinois, so it sounds way more dramatic than it really was. But, living in a 1,000 square foot apartment with 3 kids, a husband and dog for a month, was not walk in the park. Yet, significantly better than actually homelessness. I survived by pretending it was a condo in Maui. I was still optimistic and this was going to be an adventure.
I guess it has been an adventure, but we have fixed or replaced: 1 leaky roof, 24 rotten windows, 1 door that leaked so much cold air it snowed in the house, 1 washer (it exploded), 1 dryer, 1 dishwasher, 1 refrigerator, 1 sump pump (which survived 17 inches of rain in 2 days, praise God.), 1 sump pump back-up battery, 3 toilets, every single outlet, switch, switch plate, wall register grate, entry lock, and door handle in the entire place. I am sure that I have left something out. We have battled more ants than is really necessary. I am now more handy than I ever expected. I have talked to my brother more than I would have imagined. We have painted, scrubbed, cleaned and otherwise made habitable our hugely expensive home. The thing is that when we bought this house, we didn't think it would be a fixer, it was supposed to be move in ready.
There are still things that don't work right or need to be replaced, but we are off life support and can manage these items as we have time and money. Nothing is earth shattering, but I live in fear that there is something I missed! I knew all the warts in our old house. I knew what needed to be done, what would probably go wrong.
This house was unloved, and uninhabited for 2 years. That takes a toll on a home. Even though it looked lovely on the outside, it was sad on the inside. The house didn't feel the love. I think the house feels the love now. I think the house realizes we are friends. Our trash compactor stopped working about 4 weeks after we arrived. I didn't care, we are planning to redo the kitchen anyway, so let it be a big trash can. One day about 6 months later, Hannah was playing with the buttons and it started working again. The house regenerated itself. At the moment, we knew that the house was on the team.
You might think we are crazy, a house is not an animate object, but they are in some fashion living things. They need to be loved. If you don't love them, they make you pay, and pay dearly. Our house is still without a name. It still really doesn't feel like home yet, but at least I don't feel like it hates us. Maybe next year we will be on a first name basis and it will feel like home.
The Ants go Marching
When I worked in marketing, many moons ago, my philosophy was to under promise and over deliver. It would seem today, many products over promise and under deliver. Imagine, the pizza place says your pizza will be there in 45 minutes and shows up in 20, how happy are you. Yet, if that same place promises 15 minutes and shows up in 20, you are livid.
We have had a small problem with ants this year. No matter how many times Terminix sprays my house, they keep on coming. Both Terminix and the ants. We have had so many nests in the house, that I am sure that Terminix has been helping, but they can not seem to get them all. It is like rival gangs, once we kill one nest, another one takes over.
I was tired of having my house polluted with all the chemicals. We are going to be dead, but the ants will survive. I heard from a couple of people about Terro ant traps. They are all natural, and work like a champ. They are the most expensive traps on the market, Raid traps are $3 and Terro traps are $6. So the are twice the brand name option. But, $3 dollars, it really is not a huge risk.
I had planned to do a day by day pictorial blog post about the traps. The first day, show the ant super highway between the wall and the trap. The next day how it was still there, but dwindling, etc. Only, the ant super highway only lasted 12 hours. By the next morning the ants were gone, and we haven't seen them since.
We thought they were sleeping off their hangovers and would be back for more, but so far, so good. We have not seen one. These traps are absolutely the best things in the entire world. Nothing else has worked so well. I will keep you posted on how long they work, but hopefully, for ever!
We have had a small problem with ants this year. No matter how many times Terminix sprays my house, they keep on coming. Both Terminix and the ants. We have had so many nests in the house, that I am sure that Terminix has been helping, but they can not seem to get them all. It is like rival gangs, once we kill one nest, another one takes over.
I was tired of having my house polluted with all the chemicals. We are going to be dead, but the ants will survive. I heard from a couple of people about Terro ant traps. They are all natural, and work like a champ. They are the most expensive traps on the market, Raid traps are $3 and Terro traps are $6. So the are twice the brand name option. But, $3 dollars, it really is not a huge risk.
I had planned to do a day by day pictorial blog post about the traps. The first day, show the ant super highway between the wall and the trap. The next day how it was still there, but dwindling, etc. Only, the ant super highway only lasted 12 hours. By the next morning the ants were gone, and we haven't seen them since.
We thought they were sleeping off their hangovers and would be back for more, but so far, so good. We have not seen one. These traps are absolutely the best things in the entire world. Nothing else has worked so well. I will keep you posted on how long they work, but hopefully, for ever!
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