Monday, August 1, 2011

True Confessions of a Canine Convict

Here I am in the back of a police car.  I do not understand how what I did was such a crime.  I am trying to explain the situation to the policeman, but he won't hear any of it.  He just slammed the door on my nose and drove me away.

My crime you ask?  I walked to the corner of my block.  It was all of three houses away.  When is walking down the street a crime?  I see my people do it all the time.  Other animals, like rabbits, do it all the time.  But, when I try and exercise my legs a bit and see the happenings down the street, I am treated like a common criminal.

I was just being friendly when I barked at that man, you might even say I was downright neighborly.  I wanted to notify him about the rabbits that where tunneling under his deck.  But did he think I was being helpful?  No, he called the coppers on me. 

When the police did arrive, I thought I will just tell them my story and I would be on my way.  But, no, they weren't listening they just shoved me, not to nicely I might add, into the back of the squad car.  At first I thought maybe they were giving me a lift home, but no, they were taking me to jail.

Humans get to make a phone call to their lawyers upon arriving at prision.  When I asked for my phone call, did I get it?  No siree.  My rights were violated.  I have to say they could have been nicer when they gave me those shots.  No petting and treats like they do at the vet, no they just jammed it in the scruff of my neck.  Moving me along like an assembly line.  A little bedside manner goes a long way, just sayin'.

Jail isn't so bad, the food was good and these nice volunteers take us out to a pen and play with us.  They were pretty nice, but no one wanted to hear my story.  I was guilty in their eyes.  I tried to tell them that I had been wrongly convicted and if they would just call my family we could straighten this whole thing out.  They would hear nothing of it.

There is no due process, no hearing with the judge, nothing.  They take the word of that not so neighborly neighbor and determine that I am a problem.  I am going to have to take this up the with the rabbits.  I am sure they can manage some sort of pox on his house.

Anyway, after what seemed to be a life sentence my people did come and get me.  I guess I had done the time.  My people seemed happy to see me, but they were angry and me for leaving.  I would like to repeat that I just went for a stroll.  An evening constitiutional if you will, what is the crime in that?

Now I have been microchipped.  I think it is some sort of communist plot to track my movements.  A way for Big Brother to monitor my every move.  Here I am a senior citizen, who now has a wrap sheet.

This is convict 58-9357 signing off.  Next time I want to take a stroll I think will take one the kids with me.

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