Sunday, April 7, 2013

Finally I get the last word

This week's topic, is about the last word.   My father always told me sometimes the best last word is silence.  There have been many times that I have not followed that rule.  But, having spent the last couple of years dealing with my brother's ex, I have learned that silence is very powerful.  I wasn't totally silent in this situation, but I also didn't argue.

I recently confronted a "friend" on why she was continually blowing me off.  I was frustrated with her and I had decided that I wanted closure from the relationship.  I had not spoken to her in a long time and at the end of the day, I didn't miss her. 

We did not have much in common.  She was organic and Whole Foods, and I was goodwill and coupons.  Her kids were younger than mine.  I was done with babies and she had just had one.  She was hipster environmental, and I was crazy-eyed, hanging on by a thread, over scheduled mom. 

Her oldest was Hannah's age.  He had some disabilities.  Not the easy to see disabilities but the ones that cause your kid to act out and make you not popular on the play ground.  I have a kid like that.  He was much older.  In some sense I think that was the basis of our relationship.  I had been there and I knew what she was going through.  In the wild of it all, seeing a person who knows what it is like to have a kid that isn't sweet and nice all the time bonds you together.   It is like an oasis in the storm.

So, based on this, I really didn't have much to loose, so I asked the question.  In her response she said that I was too confrontational and righteous and she didn't want to be friends with me.  The irony of this is that I probably didn't filter myself as much as I should have because she told me she liked people that were really direct.  At the end of the day she told me she didn't value our relationship anymore either.

But, her response was brilliant, because if I respond at all to it, I am being righteous and confrontational, hence proving her point.  So, I did not argue but asked for specifics of why she felt that way.  It was more for my own edification than anything else, she never responded.

What I would like to say to her now is:

Hey, you know what you did and what you said was mean and hurtful.  It is totally ok for you to feel the way you do about what ever it was that I did, but to not provide specifics about it... well, that is sort of jerkish.

I fully accept that I am confrontational.  I am not afraid to take a stand and then fight for what I believe in.  Some folks are cool with that and some aren't.  But at the end of the day, it is who I am.  I am a lot of things, wishy-washy is not one of them.  If I were to make an accusation like you did, I would full stand by it and provide specifics.  Guess that just goes to show the difference in our personal ethics. 

I think your behavior is also righteous, and exemplified in your email to me by the statement:  "I don't like to change people."  That is a pretty righteous statement.  Offering feedback to someone you like and respect is just that, feedback.  You no sooner have the power to change me than fly to the moon of your own will.  But it is respectful and kind to offer feedback.

Peace out sister... good luck.

Wanna hear the last word from the other ladies? Check them out at: Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl


  1. I think that was the perfect response. :)

  2. Sorry she treated you that way. You definitely deserve better!