I never thought that on the eve of our prayers being answered I would feel so apprehensive. I thought it would be all balloons, confetti, musicians and champagne. But, I keep waking up with my jaw all tight and clenched, which means I am grinding my teeth at night. Perhaps it is because life has kicked my little family so much that when ever we turn a corner I have come to expect someone to dance the funky chicken on my spleen.
It is hard for me to accept our good fortune. Because the last two years have basically been misfortune, with small sprinklings of good. Just enough for me to maintain my hope. Usually in my darkest hours something happened to restore my faith. I have spent so much time licking wounds, trying to figure out what to do, how to keep on keeping on, that it is hard for me to roll with what is currently going on.
I am not trying to be cryptic, I guess I just don't want to talk about it until it is all hammered down. I guess I really believe all of this is some trick, and as soon as I relax, the universe river dancers will be on my spleen like flies on poop. Even once it is all hammered down, I think it will be hard for me to believe that it will be ok. I have such a horrible feeling of foreboding. I feel like perhaps this is just another lie.
Have I really become such a cynic? It is sad that this is the point that I am at. But, it would seem a larger proportion of people have not lived up to their end of the contract with our family than actually have. That is the state of nature for us. It makes me wonder if I am just worried because that is what I do, or if we are really heading off into the abyss of another bad decision. My intuition is generally accurate.
Sure, I should roll with it, stuff happens to all sorts of people. Sure what happened to us wasn't so bad. Well, for us it was. This is not to minimize what others have gone through, and I know there are much worse stories. This last year in particular, has been hard, and while some folks have really supported us, and I try very hard to focus on them, others have been very mean. It was a meanness that I was really not accustomed too. People you would expect and some that you would not, have been down right mean and nasty. To them, ppppllllllbbbb.
It is scary to head towards the light, because given our luck it will be a train.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The time has come, the time is now
The time has come, the time is now, Marvin K. Mooney, please go now. I love the Marvin K. Mooney book by Dr. Seuss. It cracks me up every time I read it.
The last two years of my life have been about change. I have changed my address, my friends, my life. The last thing that needs to change is my acceptance of the fact that I am no longer the mother of small kids. All my kids are in school, and I need to adjust my life to that. Sure, Hannah is just in PreSchool, but she is no longer a toddler or a baby.
What this means is that, as much as I fight it, it is increasingly more difficult to attend playgroups, because Hannah just isn't into it anymore. She wants to do big girl things. I am not in the same place as these other moms at the playgroups. They don't get it when I am dealing with the issues of a 9 year old. Hmm, someday I should do a list, Issues of a 9 year old... is there enough space in blogger to do that...
The issues of a 9 year old leave you longing for the issues of toddlerhood, except for poop in the underwear. I won't take that back EVER. The next time poop is being cleaned out of underwear it had best be mine. So, as my kids grow and change, I think it is time I grow and change with them.
So, the time has come, the time is here, it is time for me to take the step into what I am going to do next. It is time to act and not plan and dream. It is time. The whole issue with Santa, crystalized this for me, I am not really at that stage anymore. I have older kids, a different perspective on things. I am not in that early stage of wonder and belief that they can be or do anything, I see my limitations and my kids limitations differently.
This is not to say parents of small kids are wrong, silly or anything, I was there once too. I am just not there, and it is different. So, I shall be exiting this chapter on a zike-bike, and while the fireworks were not really part of the initial plan, they are there, so be it.
The last two years of my life have been about change. I have changed my address, my friends, my life. The last thing that needs to change is my acceptance of the fact that I am no longer the mother of small kids. All my kids are in school, and I need to adjust my life to that. Sure, Hannah is just in PreSchool, but she is no longer a toddler or a baby.
What this means is that, as much as I fight it, it is increasingly more difficult to attend playgroups, because Hannah just isn't into it anymore. She wants to do big girl things. I am not in the same place as these other moms at the playgroups. They don't get it when I am dealing with the issues of a 9 year old. Hmm, someday I should do a list, Issues of a 9 year old... is there enough space in blogger to do that...
The issues of a 9 year old leave you longing for the issues of toddlerhood, except for poop in the underwear. I won't take that back EVER. The next time poop is being cleaned out of underwear it had best be mine. So, as my kids grow and change, I think it is time I grow and change with them.
So, the time has come, the time is here, it is time for me to take the step into what I am going to do next. It is time to act and not plan and dream. It is time. The whole issue with Santa, crystalized this for me, I am not really at that stage anymore. I have older kids, a different perspective on things. I am not in that early stage of wonder and belief that they can be or do anything, I see my limitations and my kids limitations differently.
This is not to say parents of small kids are wrong, silly or anything, I was there once too. I am just not there, and it is different. So, I shall be exiting this chapter on a zike-bike, and while the fireworks were not really part of the initial plan, they are there, so be it.
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