Just an update

It's been a long time.

I have been spring cleaning my life.  I wasn't really sure why I was letting things go, but I needed to make room for something new.

I let a lot of relationships go, they for what ever reason were not what I needed at the time.  Some were toxic, some were one sided, some were just not a good fit.

Nature abhors a void.  Yet, this void gave me time to reflect and to determine what I needed to do next.

Of course, something happened.  I will put a link at the bottom so you can go read about it.  I don't own that article anymore, so I can't republish it here.  I like to do things backwards, so finish up what I have to say here and then go read that.  It will all make sense in the end.

See, what happened was horrible,  or was it?  I spent a lot of time considering, why the hell do I care so much?  Why is this so important to me?  What am I afraid of?

Ultimately, the decision was that it was time.  It was time to confront that fear of letting go of my past.  Because really the only way to be free enough to experience the future is to let go of the past.  I have been living a lie for probably 15 years.  I have told myself I wasn't something I was, because I was afraid that if I admitted this my family would leave me.  No, I am not getting divorced, I am just jewish.

Sure I think that the way that this whole thing came about is totally not cool.  I would have preferred a much softer push.  Yet, I am totally willing to admit that I don't really listen to soft pushes.  I probably needed to be smashed over the head with a metaphorical two by four.

I was afraid if I lived fully with the family that I have created the family that I chose, the family that I started with would abandon me.  So I stayed in their camp.  Yet, when I told them, they said, "Oh, we thought you already had converted."  Really?  All this time I was afraid of nothing.

At the end of the day, this seems like the right thing to do.  Something inside my family has shifted and it is good.

The link, as promised:  The Story

The Pause

Time has passed and I still have not decided what I want to do in this space.

Do I want to be a diet blog?  Talk about all the healthy recipes and food we eat now?

Do I want to talk about knitting?

Do I want to continue to use this space and a place to pour out what comes into my head?

Should I continue to talk about raising the kids?

I began to wonder, well, what is the objective of the blog?  Some things that have come to me because of the blog, include an opportunity to write for other people.  Yet, really, I have used this space as a way to express myself about what ever it is in my head.

At one time, I had all these ideas in my head.  All these things I wanted to write about.  But as daily life began to take its toll on me those ideas became less frequent.

Where I am right now is in a state of transition.  I am working on figuring out where I, where we go from here.  I have been weeding the negativity out of my life and trying to surround myself with the positive.  Nature abhors a vacuum.  I am not worried that the gaps left by the departure of the negative will not be filled.  My only hope is that they are filled with positive.

Right now, for a variety of reasons, I want to keep my life private.  I don't want everyone reading about what I am doing.  Eventually, that will change.  So, my visits here will probably be infrequent.  But, I am pretty sure I will be back.

Maybe you will be back too... maybe not.

Peace.

Hope

This week's topic is about hope.  That's it.  Just hope.

The idea stems from an article I read that hope is something that is good for you, that people who don't have hope in their lives generally are less productive and have less fulfilling relationships with others.  I thought is was interesting that hope was tied to productivity.

Before we get to deep into the topic, hope is not the same as happiness or optimism. It is about feeling that life is worth living and being happy to be alive.  Happiness and optimism live within hope, and hope can live without them.  Hope comes from within, it is really how you feel about things. So, truly hopeful people aren't faking it.  I saw a great quote about hope, it basically said that hope is internal, and you know if you don't have hope.  You can't lie to yourself about it.

A part of hope is working towards a goal, there is more to it than just goal setting and achievement.  Hope is about belief that the goal is possible and that you deserve to attain it. So many of us think, I would like X, Y or Z, but we don't believe that we can achieve it or that even if we can we don't deserve it.

You can create more hope in your life.  No matter how hopeless it seems! Some ideas:

1.  Surround yourself with people who are hopeful.  Hope is contagious.  When the people around you are hopeful, eventually, you will be too.  I think it is about norming to the group.  If the group is hopeful, people will norm to that belief.

2.  Focus:  Having too many things in your life that you want to change can be overwhelming.  On a much smaller scale, the playroom in my house is a colossal mess.  It will take days to get it cleaned up.  It is so messy that cleaning it is making me overwhelmed and hopeless.  But, by focusing on very small achievable goals, I am slowly chipping away at it.  (5 garbage bags in the trash and 3 to Goodwill so far.)  By focusing your goals on 1 or 2 things or breaking a larger goal in to manageable bites, things will seem more hopeful.

At the end of the day, hope comes from within, it isn't like happiness that you can fake.  It is something you know if you have of if you don't.  Part of trying to change that situation comes from assessing, do you have hope in your life or not?  If you don't, do you want to do something about that?  If you do, make hope part of your daily life.

This week is my last post with the group.  As you all know I have been chronically late.  This stems from the other activities in my life that keep me from being able to sit in front of a computer.  Until I'm able to do this easily from my phone it is always going to be an issue.  Being late has taken the fun out of the project.  I'm not paid for this, I do it for fun.  Since it has stopped being fun and has become a chore it is time for me to head off into the sunset.

What that means for the future of the blog remains to be seen.  My plan is to still try an post at least weekly, but not have a specific topic.  It may mean that I don't post at all, it may mean that it frees me up to post more.  I have all these ideas lately, so I am hopeful that I will post more frequently than I have.  In any event, I hope that you stop by again to see what I'm up to.

A big thank you to the amazing ladies I have had the opportunity to write with.  I am humbled by your talents and was grateful to be included in your group.  Best wishes to all of you!

I hope that you will take a moment to read what do the other ladies have to say on hope: Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl

America

This week's topic is about America.  

When you bing america, the first website that pops up is entitled America:  Official Website.  The address is VenturaHighway.com.  Sounds very American and very California, except there really isn't a Ventura Highway, but I digress.  The first thing you see is a picture with a caption in Italian.  It seems odd to me.   America is a band, and this would be their official website.  Apparently they have performed in Italy.  

When you google america, you get the Wiki for America.  Which focuses on the continents of North and South America.  Not the country of the USA.  That makes sense since the USA is only one part of the greater land mass labeled America.

When you yahoo america, you also get the website for the band, but the number 2 listing is for the United States.  I think it is interesting that America persists as an acceptable term to refer to our country.  As I mentioned above, it is only one country on the land mass, but I'm not feeling my soap box today.

I used AOL's search engine, and the first thing that they brought up was a map of the United States.  I won't belabor the point, but the United States is not really the only game in the America town.

I like Ask... Because their first option was a South America travel guide.  That entertained me.  It takes you to a pretty informative guide to planning your trip to South America.  Now I want to go.

Dogpile was similar to the above.  #1 the America band site, #2 Wiki for Americas and #3 was the United States listing from yahoo.  I think that is sort of how dogpile works.  

Ok, last one... gigablast.  It starts with a listing of national parks in the US.  


So, there not only is it an informative look at various search engines, it is an interesting take on America.  I leave you to check out the other ladies at:  Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl

Letters for Camp

Wow, I am almost on time. Don't let the shock kill you.  Our topic is to put ourselves in the shoes or paws of another person/beast.  So here we go...

Dear Mac:

I was reading in Wiley's notes that if you cannot keep the animals out of the yard you have to write the letters. I am not entirely sure what that means, but I heard that you wanted me to write you a letter, so I am doing that.

The tall man is home.  He hired me to manage office security, respond to emails and generally help out.  It is pretty boring and all he does all day is blah, blah, blah on the phone and type stuff.  I thought I was supposed to respond to the emails, but he isn't ready to give me that responsibility.  I am doing really well at keeping the kids out of his office though. I rock at that.

It seems that they won't feed me here, so I have to eat the food out of the bowl.  OUT OF THE BOWL!!!  I can't believe the horror, but I am starving, so I have submitted to this travesty.  The notes left by Wiley, said that the people here are sort of eccentric.  I am guessing this is one of those eccentricities.

I am also guessing keeping the rabbits out of the yard is another one of them.  Have you seen the size of the rabbits?  They are bigger than me.  I don't care that I have sharp teeth, I understand those things are mean and have sharp claws. NO way am I chasing one.  I am staying here on the couch where it is comfy.

Your mother keeps threatening to eat me.  Something about roasted dog for dinner and there being a yorkie cook book.  I am thinking that the yorkie cook book talks about how to cook for me, not how to cook me.  She is making me nuts.  I keep trying to push her out of the bed in hopes she will break her neck.

Speaking of the little kids, they keep playing this game called Capture the Dog.  I let them win, they think it is the greatest thing to catch me.  Let me be perfectly clear, if I didn't want them to catch me, they couldn't.  They also throw foxy and my bone, I do enjoy a good game of fetch.  It really is fun.

Other than getting a lot of grief about not keeping the rabbits out of the yard, making me eat out of the bowl and trying to cook me, I guess things are going ok.  I have hope you are having fun!  I am tired now, I need a nap.

Love, 

Bella

Check out the other ladies at:  Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl

To Practical

This week's post is about superstitions.  I tend to not be superstitious.  Really, avoiding cracks is going to protect my mother's back?  I don't think that is really the case.

I do think that on some level people are superstitious to protect themselves from things that might happen.  If I do what ever, it will protect me from something harmful.  With the Blackhawks in contention for the Stanley Cup, I am sure that there are lots of folks who have special jerseys or underwear or what ever that they are wearing or doing to ensure that their team wins.

But, conversely, I am sure that there are Bruins fans doing just the same thing.  Who will be stronger?  I don't really know.  I am fairly certain that if you wear a special jersey, it is not going to have an impact on who wins or who doesn't.

I'm going to date myself, but we used to go to Indians games in our youth.  Jim Thome would come up to bat, and he would scratch his crotch, adjust his cup, or do something with his boy parts before he would hit the ball.   It was a long drawn out bat swing, crotch touch dance before each pitch.  I wanted to send him a powder or a cream for that issue.  Sometimes he hit the ball well and sometimes he didn't.  I realize that the whole crotch touch bat swing thing calmed him down and helped him perform better, but I think it was the routine that calmed him.  He could have done anything.  I for one would have preferred to eliminate the whole crotch touch part of the routine.  Really, anyone who touches themselves that much should have that looked at by a physician.

This is my windy way of saying, I am not really superstitious about much.  I  am woefully unaware that one should throw salt over their shoulder or say some prayer when they break a mirror.  

So, tonight while the Hawks play, I will be wearing nothing special and we will do nothing special.  I think that will help them win.

Check out the other ladies at:  Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl

Found: Puppy

This week's topic is about finding something when you stop looking for it.  It was my topic, because it was well, if you excuse the pun, topical.

About 6 months ago, we put our 16 1/2 year old dog down.  She had lived a good life and we decided to put her down rather than let her suffer for probably the 6 months or so she still had.  She was thin, loosing her eyesight and well, her mind.  She would get lost in the house. She had stopped eating.  It was really a matter of time.  We decided that it was best to end her life rather than board her while we traveled for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.  The worst outcome I could imagine was having her die while being boarded.

Wiley, was if anything a difficult dog.  She barked all the time.  The kids the neighborhood were afraid of her.  While she was good to my kids and our family, she didn't "do" other people.  We managed her behavior for the entirety of her life.   So, while we missed her when she passed, there was also a sense of relief. We no longer had to manage her.

Of course a few weeks after her death, I began to look at Petfinder.com with a consistency that lead my family to call it dog porn.  I was forever looking at one dog or another that would be "perfect"for our family.  But, in the back of my mind, I was always scared it would be another Wiley.  Bob said, NO MORE DOGS.

I finally stopped looking.

2 weeks ago, while at the gym, one of my gym buddies lamented that she needed to find a new home for her daughters dog.  I asked a few questions, is she good with kids, does she bark, etc.  All the answers were right.  I said I would talk to Bob.  I figured he would put the kibosh on it.  NO MORE DOGS!!  EVER!! was a pretty clear edict.

Mac and I presented him with some pretty strong arguments on why we should take the dog.  He weaken just enough to ask what kind of dog it was.  I told him it was a small dog. Figuring that would end things. He said, oh really, I like Yorkies!  My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, I never knew he liked Yorkies.

Guess what family has a new dog?  And she is perfect.

Check out the other ladies at:  Froggie, Momarock, and Merrylandgirl